Another Susan Boyle Moment :::: Watch!!!!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZsNlcr4frs4&feature=related

478,272 

A Warm Greeting for my Irish Friends and all who love them. It is St. Paddy's

O nly  the I rish  have Jokes L ike T hese

Into  a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd  just
been run over by a train.
His arm is in a  sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and  bruised
and he's walking with a  limp.
"What  happened to you?" asks Sean, the  bartender.
" Jamie  O'Conner and me had a fight," says  Paddy.
" That  little shit, O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do  that
to you, he must have had something in his  hand."
" That  he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and
a  terrible lickin' he gave me with  it."
" Well,"  says Sean, "you should have defended
yourself, didn't  you have something in your hand?"
"  That  I did," said Paddy.
"Mrs.  O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty
it was, but  useless in a fight."
**********************************************************************************************************
An  Irishman who had a little too much to drink is  driving
home from the city one night and,
of course,  his car is weaving violently all over the  road.

A cop  pulls him over.
" So,"  says the cop to the driver, where have ya  been?"
"Why,  I've been to the pub of course," slurs the  drunk.
" Well,"  says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite
a few to  drink this evening."
" I did  all right," the drunk says with a  smile.
"D id  you know," says the cop, standing straight and
folding  his arms across his chest,
that a few intersections  back, your wife fell out of your  car?"
"Oh,  thank heavens," sighs the drunk.
"For  a minute there, I thought I'd gone  deaf."


***********************************************************************************************************

Brenda  O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual,
when Tim  Finnegan arrives at her door.
"Brenda, may I come in?"  he asks. "I've
somethin' to tell  ya".
" Of  course you can come in, you're always welcome,
Tim. But  where's my husband?"
" That's  what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda." 
There  was an accident down at the Guinness  brewery..."
"Oh,  God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell  me."
" I must,  Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead
and gone. I'm  sorry."
Finally,  she looked up at Tim.. "How  did it happen, Tim?"
" It  was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat Of
Guinness  Stout and drowned."
"Oh  my dear Jesus! But you must tell me the truth,
Tim. Did  he at least go quickly?"
"Well,  Brenda... no. In fact, he got out three times to  pee."

************************************************************************************************************

Mary  Clancy goes up to Father O' Grady after his  Sunday
morning service, and she's in  tears.
He  says,  " So  what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"
She  says,  "Oh,  Father, I've got terrible news . My
husband  passed away last night."
The  priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me,  Mary,
did he have any last  requests?"
S he  says, "That he did, Father."
The priest says, "What did  he ask, Mary? "
She  says, He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn  gun...'


*********************************************************************************************************


AND T HE B EST F OR L AST

A drunk  staggers into a Catholic Church, enters
a confessional  booth, sits down, but says nothing.
The  Priest coughs a few times to get his attention
but the  drunk continues to sit there.
Finally, the  Priest pounds three times on the wall .
The  drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin, there's
no paper  on this side either!

 

 

Retirement

"They" Ask: WHY Do I Like Retirement ??? 

Question: How many days in a week? 
Answer: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday 



Question: When is a retiree's bedtime? 
Answer: Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.


Question: How many retirees to change a light bulb? 
Answer: Only one, but it might take all day. 



Question: What's the biggest gripe of retirees? 
Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done.


Question: Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors? 
Answer: The term comes with a 10% discount. 



Question: Among retirees what is considered formal attire? 
Answer: Tied shoes. 


Question: Why do retirees count pennies? 
Answer: They are the only ones who have the time. 



Question: What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire?   
Answer:   Nuts !!!  


Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement,  attic or garage?

Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.   



Question: What do retirees call a long lunch? 
Answer: Normal .


Question: What is the best way to describe retirement? 
Answer: The never ending Coffee Break.


Question: What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree?

Answer: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.



Question: Why does a retiree often say he doesn't miss work, but misses the people he used to work with? 
Answer: He is too polite to tell the whole truth. 



And, my very favorite....

QUESTION: What do you do all week? 
Answer: Monday through Friday, NOTHING..... Saturday & Sunday, I rest.


SERENITY

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked,  'How old was your husband?' '98,' she replied... 'Two years older than me'  'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented.  She responded, 'Hardly worth going home, isn't it?

Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: 'And what do you think is the best thing About being 104?' the reporter asked..  She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.'

The nice thing about being senile is  You can hide your own Easter eggs and have fun finding them.

I've sure gotten old!  I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, New knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, Can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, Take 40 different medications that  Make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia.  Have poor circulation;  Hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.  Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92.  Have lost all my friends. But, thank God,  I still have my driver's license..

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, So I got my doctor's permission to Join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But,  By the time I got my leotards on, The class was over.

An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and Told her preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, She wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart.  'Wal-Mart?' the preacher exclaimed.  'Why Wal-Mart?'  'Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week.'

My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

It's scary when you start making the same noises As your coffee maker..

These days about half the stuff In my shopping cart says, 'For fast relief.'

THE SENILITY PRAYER : Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, The good fortune to run into the ones I do, and The eyesight to tell the difference.

 

 

Now, I think you're supposed to share this with 5 or 6, maybe 10 others.

Oh heck, give it to a bunch of your friends if you can remember who they are!

____________

 

Yes I know I could have sent this before but I have forgotten ! !

 

 

 

Pregnancy Q&A ASBOMICK...JACK...MARCIA...MOIMOII...GREGERS...

http://ilivetolaugh.multiply.com/journal/item/1710

Jack has posted a new blog entry to I LIVE TO LAUGH. Manage alerts settings

PREGNANCY Q & A & more! Mar 4, '12 7:12 PM by Jack for everyone PREGNANCY Q & A  Q: Should I have a baby after 35? A: No, 35 children is enough. Q : I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move? A: With any luck, right after he finishes college. Q : What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex? A: Childbirth. Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational. A: So what's your question? Q?: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right? A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.? Q: When is the best time to get an epidural? A: Right after you find out you're pregnant. Q?: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor? A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you. Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth? A: Yes, pregnancy. Q: Do I have to have a baby shower? A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly. Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again? A: When the kids are in college.

NIGRIV's SPACE - no kids allowed !

http://nigrivyob.multiply.com/journal/item/360

HOW TOUGH ARE AUSSIE MEN . . .

Mar 7, '12 11:04 AM for NIGRIV's network

How tough are Australian men???

The scene is set:

It's a dark night, cold wind blowing, campfire flickering, stars twinkling
in the dark sky.

Three hang-glider pilots are sitting by the campfire,
One from Australia, one from Seth Efrika and one from New Zulland.

Each embroiled in the bravado for which they are famous.

The night of tales begins...

Kiven the Kiwi says, 'I must be the meanest, toughest, heng  glider there es. Why, jist the other day I linded in a field and  scared a crocodeale,who came out of the swamp and ate sux min who were standen close by. I grebbed the crocodeale and wristled him to du ground and killed em with my beer hends'


Hansie from Seth Efrika (who typically can't stand to be bettered) said,
'Well you guys, I lended orfter a 200 mile flight in my heng glider on a iny trail, and a Namibian snike slid out from under a rock and made a move on me. I grebbed de borsted with me bare hinds and beet it's head off ind hen sucked the poison from it's body down in one gulp. End I'm still here today'


Ian  the Tough Australian, remained silent, slowly poking the fire with his penis.

Tags: lol . . .