I was working out in the gym when
I spotted this sweet young thing...
I asked a trainer who was nearby,"What machine should I use to impress that sweet thing over there?"
The trainer looked at me and said,
"The ATM in the lobby."
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After a mother chimpanzee who lived in a zoo died, one of the zoo's employees took the baby chimp home to care for it. It never crossed his mind that his dog, who had recently given birth would adopt the chimp and raise it with her pups. Judging by the look on her face at times, she is not quite sure why this particular offspring has hands to grab her with. Now that portrays unconditional love. Something to think about!!!!!   \  ]   |
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 Classified Ads FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 YEARS OLD. HATEFUL LITTLE DOG. -------------------------------- FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 COCKER SPANIEL 1/2 SNEAKY NEIGHBOR'S DOG ------------------------------ FREE PUPPIES... PART GERMAN SHEPHERD PART STUPID DOG ----------------------------- GERMAN SHEPHERD 85 lbs. NEUTERED. SPEAKS GERMAN. FREE. ----------------------------------- FOUND: DIRTY WHITE DOG. LOOKS LIKE A RAT... BEEN OUT AWHILE. BETTER BE REWARD. ----------------------------------- SNOW BLOWER FOR SALE... ONLY USED ON SNOWY DAYS. ----------------------------- TICKLE ME ELMO, STILL IN BOX, COMES WITH ITS OWN 1988 MUSTANG, 5L, AUTO, EXCELLENT CONDITION $6800 ------------------------------ COWS, CALVES NEVER BRED... ALSO 1 GAY BULL FOR SALE. ----------------------------- NORDIC TRACK $300 HARDLY USED, CALL CHUBBY ----------------------------------- BILL'S SEPTIC CLEANING "WE HAUL AMERICAN MADE PRODUCTS" ---------------------------------- SHAKESPEARE'S PIZZA - FREE CHOPSTICKS ------------------------------------- HARRISBURG POSTAL EMPLOYEES GUN CLUB ---------------------------------- GEORGIA PEACHES CALIFORNIA GROWN - 89 cents lb. ------------------------------------ NICE PARACHUTE: NEVER OPENED - USED ONCE ------------------------------------ TIRED OF WORKING FOR ONLY $9.75 PER HOUR? WE OFFER PROFIT SHARING AND FLEXIBLE HOURS. STARTING PAY: $7 -- $9 PER HOUR. ------------------------------------- OUR SOFA SEATS THE WHOLE MOB AND IT'S MADE OF 100% ITALIAN LEATHER. -------------------------------------- JOINING NUDIST COLONY! MUST SELL WASHER & DRYER $300. ------------------------------------ ALZHEIMER'S CENTRE PREPARES FOR AN AFFAIR TO REMEMBER ------------------------------------ OPEN HOUSE BODY SHAPERS TONING SALON FREE COFFEE & DONUTS ------------------------------------ FOR SALE BY OWNER Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica. 45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000.00 or best offer. No longer needed. Got married last weekend. Wife knows everything.  |
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Mi Padre, cuando Yo tenía..... 4 años : Mi papá puede hacer de todo. 5 años : Mi papá sabe un montón. 6 años : Mi papá es más inteligente que el tuyo. 8 años : Mi papá no sabe exactamente todo. 10 años : En la época en que mi papá creció, las cosas seguramente eran distintas. 12 años : Oh, bueno, claro, mi padre no sabe nada de eso. Es demasiado viejo para recordar su infancia. 14 años : No le hagas caso a mi viejo. ¡Es tan anticuado! 21 años : ¿Él? Por favor, está fuera de onda, sin recuperación posible. 25 años : Papá sabe un poco de eso, pero no puede ser de otra manera, puesto que ya tiene sus años. 30 años : No voy a hacer nada hasta no hablar con papá. 40 años : Me pregunto cómo habría manejado esto papá. Era inteligente y tenía un mundo de experiencia. 50 años : Daría cualquier cosa por que papá estuviera aquí para poder hablar esto con él. Lástima que no valoré lo inteligente que era. Podría haber aprendido mucho de él.  |
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David Cameron was visiting a Glasgow primary school and the class was in the middle of a discussion about words and their meanings. The teacher asked Mr Cameron if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'Tragedy'. So the the prime minister asked the class if they could think of an example of a tragedy. A little boy stood up and said, 'If my best friend is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a tragedy.' 'Incorrect,' said Cameron, 'That would merely be an accident.' A little girl stood up and said 'If a school bus carrying thirty children drove over a cliff, killing everybody inside, that would be a tragedy.' 'I'm afraid not', said Cameron, 'That's what we would call a great loss'. The room went silent. No other kid volunteered. Cameron searched the room. 'Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?' Finally, little Mick raised his hand from the back of the class and said, 'If a plane carrying you and Mr Clegg and Mr Milliband was hit by a missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy.' 'Fantastic!' exclaimed Cameron, 'And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?' 'Well,' said little Mick, 'It has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss, and it probably wouldn't be an accident either' |
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The Pencil The value of a Catholic education and a pencil . Little Mary Margaret was not the best student in school . Usually she slept through the class. One day her teacher, a nun, called on her while she was sleeping: 'Tell me, Mary Margaret, who created the universe?' When Mary Margaret didn't stir, little Johnny, who was her friend sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear. 'God Almighty!' shouted Mary Margaret. The nun said, 'Very good,' and continued teaching. A little later the Nun asked Mary Margaret, 'Who is our Lord and Saviour?' Mary didn't stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to her rescue and stuck Mary Margaret in the butt with the pencil. 'Jesus Christ!' shouted Mary Margaret and the nun once again said,'Very good,' and Mary Margaret fell back asleep. The Nun asked her a third question...'What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?' Again, Johnny came to the rescue. This time Mary Margaret jumped up and shouted, 'If you stick that fucking thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!' The nun fainted. |
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A Conversation in Heaven SYLVIA: Hi! Wanda. WANDA: Hi! Sylvia. How'd you die? SYLVIA: I froze to death. WANDA: How horrible! SYLVIA: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you? WANDA: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV. SYLVIA: So, what happened? WANDA: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died. SYLVIA: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer ---we'd both still be alive.   |
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While opening up the bar one morning, the bartender turned around and noticed two customers had entered while he was in the back room. Approaching the gentleman first the bartender asked, "What can I get for you Sir", the man answered, "Well, get me a beer and get that Bohemian woman at the end of the bar a drink. The woman, surprised by her free drink, raised her cocktail in the air and signaled a "Thank You" to her unknown sponsor. Noticing that the man's beer was near empty, the bartender asked if the man wanted a refill, he replied, "Sure, and get that Bohemian woman another drink." This went on and on until each had had plenty to drink. The Bohemian woman yelled in a drunken stupor to the man at the bar, "C ou ld y ou co m e o ver he' re fu r a min...minute?" The man stumbled to the end of the bar where the woman said, "G od Dam ni t, I ju st wan ted to sa y Th..Tha nks fo r a ll th drin kz, yo u do' nnnt eeeven knooow me!! Ca n I just ask you oon e qu esti on?" "sh sh ure" "Wh at makes y ou thin k I am BoBooh eemi an?" The man replied, "Well that's eeeasy maa'am...on...one of yuorrr tits is haaanging out of youuurrr dress..." "Oh Shiiit!!! I left the Baaby on the Bus!!!!" |
